Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Talking on the Phone

My cell phone is not for talking.  Two weeks ago when it rang I couldn't even figure out how to answer it. I know how to reject calls, I know how to watch my phone ring and ring and then go to voicemail, but answer it?  Nope.

I text a lot.  I use Facebook and Facebook messenger.  I do not talk on my phone.

So this new guy I'm dating.  He's a phone talker and all my friends are thrilled.

"Finally someone to make you talk!"

Shut up.

I have major phone anxiety. I even get it if I have to make a phone call for an appointment.  I hate when people at work call me.  Just please email me!!

But over the last two weeks I've talked on my phone for 400 minutes, I checked my bill because I don't think I talked for 400 minutes in the last 2 years combined.

And today when we talked I felt good.  It's nice to talk to someone and have a conversation after a long day at work.  I miss that, honestly I never had that.  My friends say it's one of the many reasons why I've ended up divorced, communication is so important.  So instead of getting anxiety I'm opening up to the idea of actual phone conversations.

So again, I don't know where this is headed, but I hope it lasts a little while.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter Sunday

This morning I'm sitting alone in my apartment, like I said yesterday the girls are with their dad today.  I've just sat down for my morning tea (I don't do coffee) and I'm all dressed for church.

Today will be the first Easter Sunday I've been to church since 2005.  The last time I went was a world ago.  I still lived at home with my parents, I was dating my high school boyfriend still, I even still had braces on my teeth.

So the guy I went on the date with Thursday night asked me to meet him today at church.  Initially I thought it was an awful idea.  I just don't "do" church anymore.  The girls and I have gone a few times but it's always me that doesn't want to go back.  Church makes me miss my dad and our times together going.  It reminds me that God didn't give my parents enough time with Annika and that they never got to meet Annabel.  Sometimes it makes me angry.

But I'm going.  This guy, after thinking for days about it, is exactly the type of person my dad would have approved of and liked.  I don't know where it'll go, I don't know if it'll amount to anything.  Right now though I probably really need this, just to go back to church and get the girls going too every other weekend.

This is a new life I'm creating for me and the girls and it's exciting and scary.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

When Holidays Are Alone

My family never had big holiday traditions.  We opened presents on Christmas Eve (because in Sweden that's when Santa came).  We ate turkey on Thanksgiving.  We colored eggs for Easter.  That's about it.

I have no family here to celebrate holidays with.  No one.  So last year for Thanksgiving I asked that the girls go with their dad to be with his family.  His family does the big family dinner, all of the girls's cousins were there so they got to see a lot of family they wouldn't normally see.

Instead of staying home alone I visited my cousin in Chicago and we had a great 3 days together.

Easter I didn't plan out as well.  Actually Easter kind of creeped up on me earlier this week when Annabel told me her school was having an Easter party and that she was so excited.  Ummm..oops.  I went out and bought the girls a few candies that they like and a little pet rock to paint, which they did today and they loved it.

We missed a lot of the big local Easter egg hunts last weekend but I found one for this morning out on the beach.

1,000s of eggs, 100s of kids and all of the eggs were gone in about 5 seconds!

I was so proud of Annika after the egg hunt.  Poor Annabel only was able to grab 5 eggs, Annika had around 12.  Annabel's eyes were filled with tears when it was over because she saw all the other kids with a lot more eggs than her and I felt awful for her.  Annika came over and hugged her and put some of her eggs into Annabel's basket so she would have the same amount as her.  I love how thoughtful she is!

After the egg hunt we spent the day together shopping and just looking at cats (turns out Annabel has an allergic reaction to them so I'm glad we just looked).

Then I took them to see their dad, he has them overnight and all day tomorrow.  They're going to the beach, which I would love to do but it's his day with them.  So this will be my first Easter alone.  I was invited to church tomorrow with the guy I went on the date with Thursday but I'm not sure if I want to go.  I might even go to the beach alone, but knowing me I'll sit here all day in my pajamas drinking tea and watching American Horror Story on Netflix.

I just hope that the girls have a good time with their dad tomorrow and I can't wait to see them in the evening.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Annual Check Up

The girls had their annual check ups today and did awesome, as they usually do.  We usually see the nurse practitioner and she always says that every year the girls are the most entertaining patients they have.  We're also very lucky that we've now made it 4 years in a row without any sick visits.  I've only had to  have a pink eye med called in to a pharmacy but other than that we've only had colds and bugs that could be treated at home.  Soooo lucky.

Annika again started this year's visit with "I have to keep my private parts private, are you going to look at my privates??!!"  At least she knows they should be kept private but she yelled it and half the office heard and started laughing.

She did it last year too, here is the post from Annika's 5 year check up:

The girls are both in the 50th percentile for height.  Annabel is in the 50th percentile for weight, Annika in the 70th (that child has amazing muscles, she can do real, full push ups like a man!).  Both girls also have perfect hemoglobin!  That's something I always struggle with, I actually have to take 3 iron supplements a day to increase my levels.  Annabel's level was actually double of mine!

But what I did not realize was that Annabel had to get her shots for kindergarten even though she doesn't start kindergarten until 2017.  She'll have to register and turn in her shot records by February of next year so she had to do her 3 vaccines today.  I didn't warn her or prep her for it so when the NP walked out to get the shots I told her and she said "what??  You no tell me I get shots today!"  Oh was she angry with me!  She was soooo good though, only cried a second but she has now been telling me about her arm hurting and that she got shots for the past 12 hours.  She even told strangers while we were out today that "I got 3 shots today and momma no tell me".

Here she is sporting her 3 band aids.  The NP gave her an orange one because of her hair color, an Olaf one because she knows all little girls like Frozen and a Rapunzel one because she knew she better throw a princess in there, haha.

The NP also suggested speech classes for Annabel again.  It looks like I only posted about her evaluation last time:

We completed our 8 weeks of speech and she was kicked out, it turned out Annika was talking for her but when Annabel was totally alone she would speak and if she was forced to speak on her own she would talk.

Our issue now is that people rarely understand what she's saying but me and Annika totally know what she means.  The NP said she could barely understand 50% of it but asked me to ask her school teachers what they thought and if they agreed to have them call for a speech evaluation again.  Luckily since she's in school now they may be able to get a speech therapist to go to her school to do her therapy, last time we had a hard time scheduling the time with my work.  So we'll wait and see next week what her school things.  I'd like to get it at least checked before she goes into elementary school and just catch it early.

Other than that it was a really good visit and I'm so thankful for healthy little girls :)

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Rules For Dating

I just got back from my first date.  We had a lot to talk about, it was a really nice time.  I only had 2 hours to go out because I didn't want to keep the girls at the babysitter's house for too long.

I'm going to go out with him again, I think.  I'm having a hard time with this one.  While he was very nice, sweet, funny the kiss was....blah.  Is that bad?  I've kissed other people and there's an instant connection.  Not so much here...maybe we need to try it again, and not in a parking lot by my car.  But it did disappoint me a bit.  It may be because the last 2 I dated were very aggressive and he was just kind of sweet and I'm not used to sweet, nice guys??

We actually have rules for dating, during our separation and now divorce we agreed to try not to "fuck up the kids".  It's really one of the most important things for me.  I don't want the girls seeing all different guys I'm dating and get confused.

Most rules are specific to me, but I did agree to them for our safety, people are crazy out there!

1. My first date I will meet the guy in a public place.
2. I do not tell them my last name unless I feel comfortable.
3. No guys at my apartment until a few dates in (this is so people don't know I live alone with the girls) and only if the girls are not home.
4. Neither one of us discloses personal information about each other or the girls, where we work, where we live, where the girls go to school, or any of the plans the other person may have (for example him telling a date I'm going to be a certain place at a certain time, I don't want a crazy woman looking for me!).
5. No one meets the girls until the relationship is exclusive, lasted at least 3 months, looks like it may be going somewhere and the other person has to be comfortable with it (meaning if he's dating someone that I know does something questionable he's going to have to convince me otherwise).

I also have some dating requirements for the guys I go out with.  I feel like this time I can be picky, I'm in no rush but I also don't want to waste my time with someone when it won't work out:

1. Must have their own place to live (no roommates), own car and job (seems basic but half the guys that have contacted me on Match didn't meet this one).
2. Must have children.  This one is important to me.  I need someone to understand what I'm going through, I also feel more comfortable with the girls possibly being around someone who knows how to deal with children.
3. No criminal record!
4. Funny, can hold a conversation, likes to go out and do things!
5. No alcoholics or even heavy drivers (I just can't watch it again).
6. Compatible zodiac sign.  I know this one is crazy but every time I've ever tried to be with someone and their sign was compatible with mine it just didn't work out (I'm divorcing someone with sign that was not compatible).  So yes, crazy, but in my head this is an important one :)

I can't think of anything else but so far those are the dating rules and dating requirements I have.

Are there any you think I should add?

Wednesday, March 23, 2016


You guys.  I have a date, with a stranger, tomorrow.

We've been separated since last May and about a week after the separation he (I will no longer be using his name to protect his privacy) started dating.

While we still husband and wife legally I know we both were done last year.  Over it.  We weren't compatible in many ways and rarely saw each other because of his work schedule.  Moving on for him was difficult and dating was the way for him to get over me (so he said).  He's gone on 100s of dates and is very open about it.  I like to remind very private with things like that, especially for the girls.

I did date someone too, briefly, actually there were 2.  I did really like both but in the end it wasn't going to work with either.  What I appreciated from both was the honesty in both relationships with each other.  If something is wrong we told each other.  If I didn't like what going on or something they did I told them.  We never did that with our marriage.  I would get angry, he would ignore what I said or say I was wrong and tell me to forget about it.

Now I know that dating while still married was probably wrong but just those 2 guys opened my eyes up to how relationships should be.  How you can be happy with someone and how you can communicate with someone.  Even though I'm not with either I think both were good experiences.

But I knew both of those guys previously.  This guy is from Match.  Scary!

Let me tell you Match can be a bit crazy.  I put some pictures on my profile, created a horrible bullshit paragraph about myself and within minutes I had guys interested.  I seem to appeal to the over 55 year old crowd which I am not into (even though the two guys I dated were 9 years and 13 years older than me).  I've had some really creepy guys contact me.  I've blocked a few.

So this guy I'm going on a date with seemed pretty normal and doesn't seem like he just wants a hook up.  Our date works too to prevent anything "funny" because my babysitter is watching them during a 2 hour window.  I've texted and talked on the phone with him and so far seems pretty normal but I will have my guard way up.

I'm looking forward to incorporating a little of my dating experiences on this blog now, it's a whole new life!  I haven't dated in 10 years and so much has changed!

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Why I Got Breast Implants

I've been wanting to write this post FOREVER!  This is extremely personal and I don't believe I have addressed either of the topics here before.

I really have always had body image issues.  It's horrible to think but I have been on a "diet" since I was around 8 years old, that was the first time I felt fat.  It makes me sad when I look at pictures of myself around that age and see that I was just a normal sized girl.

Everyone seems to blame it on ballet, I took it from 5 years old until I was 13.  I went to a very intense school and we were always told to suck in our fat tummies and "if you aren't careful with lunch you won't fit into your recital costume".

At 11 years old I was diagnosed with anorexia.  I would tell my parents I was buying lunch at school and save my money instead and just sit there.  For breakfast I would tell my mom that I would eat it on the way to the bus but instead I'd either give it to a friend or throw it away.  My mom was always a bit weird with food too so she would eat before I got home for dinner, so either I'd say I had a big lunch or I'd pretend to eat and when she wasn't looking I'd dump it in the trash.

I saw a councilor, hated it, decided to eat to make my parents happy.  I had relapses at 15 and the most severe at 20 where at 5'2 I weighed 80 pounds.

I made a full recovery by 22, got married, never talked about it again and then I turned 30.  I became obsessed with my weight, what foods I couldn't eat and strange reasons for it, and worked out like crazy.

I've never had breasts, really I haven't at all.  At my consult in December of 2014 I was a 32AA wearing bras from the children's department of Target!  I was wearing a size 0 in clothes and even though I wasn't overweight I was not a good looking weight for my size.  I had people at work, who have known me for 10 years, telling me I looked too thin and sick.

I was, mentally I was that 11 year old girl again and I had the same body.  I read some research that women that get breast implants boost their confidence and are able to feel more comfortable at an appropriate weight.  I didn't like how I looked with the few extra pounds without a chest to balance it out.

So I did it, January of 2015 I got saline breast implants.  Now at over a year post opt I am a 32D and incredibly happy with how I look, even with the 10 pounds I gained after surgery.

The surgery was not easy though.  I took 11 days off of work.  The pain was INTENSE.  Since I worked out so much my chest muscles were super tight.  People never believe me when I say the recovery and pain was worse than both of my c-sections.  But the end result was worth it.

Here I am before:

And here are two more current pictures of me:

I now feel confident and comfortable with my body.  Instead of starving myself I have, with the help of friends, starting creating a menu each week for me and the girls to have the same dinners together.  I am a health weight and size and finally have energy, which I never had much of before.

I will be happy to answer any questions you may have :)

Monday, March 21, 2016

Spring Break 2016

The girls and I were lucky enough to spend last week in Arizona with my aunt and uncle.  They live on a farm sort of in the middle of nowhere and it's amazing!

Look at that sunrise over Little Thumb Butte!

Annika and I traveled out there in 2011 after my parents died and before I was even pregnant with Annabel.  So this was Annabel's first time on a plane and Annika's second, although, she doesn't remember the first flight at all.

The girls were angels on both flights!  I don't have tablets or i-pads or anything like that for them.  They both packed some crayons and coloring books and we colored together the whole time!  I got so many compliments on how well behaved they were.  The people on the flight there didn't even realize kids were sitting behind them!

We did so much while we were there.  

The zoo.

Farm chores, scooping horse poop!

 The Grand Canyon!

Roasting marshmallows.

Horseback riding.

Climbing rocks on the side of a mountain, AKA scaring the shit out of their mother.

We had very cold mornings, starting at the lowest 25 degrees.  The warmest day it reached 75 and that was the last day we were there.  We had a blast!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

I'm Back!!

I don't even know where to begin.

First off I didn't realize I started the posts with my parents' ashes and then dropped off the face of the earth for 5 months.  I really, really, really want to get back into blogging again.  Let's just see how it goes.

So updates, starting back in October-ish...

~Annabel started school!  She loves it, her teachers tell me she's their favorite, she's speaking more than ever, she's developed and adorably sassy personality.  She's really becoming her own little person now.

~Annika loves kindergarten.  She's super advanced for reading and gets to check out the "big kid" books at the library.  They talked about skipping her to 2nd grade but I don't want her to next year, I'm worried she'll feel too "young".

~Our house sold in January.  We have now been separated since June 2015, our divorce will be finalized on May 3rd.  I will address this a bit in another post another day.

~The girls and I moved to a wonderful apartment only 5 minutes away from the beach.  It's an older complex but so far we are loving it.  The girls now share a room with a bunk bed and they love it.

~I'm doing good.  Really I am.  I'm happy besides the occasional stress I feel from being a single mother and getting very few breaks to just breathe.  But it is getting easier.  I need to learn to ask for help which I hate doing, especially since I no longer have any family locally.

So again, sorry for being so sporadic with my blogging but I'm hoping to get back to it now!