I realized I haven't had a post in a few days. Why? I'm having crushing anxiety that has caught me by surprise. I had some anxiety in the weeks between my parents dying back in 2010 and again when my grandma died in April. But this was sudden and I really have no clue why???
I had Monday off of work and felt like I was having chest pains all day but I knew it had to be anxiety related. Then I went to work this morning and made it 3 1/2 hours until I felt sick to my stomach and extremely anxious. I barely made it to my car in the parking garage before I had a complete meltdown crying/screaming/yelling.
Then I realized what brought it on.
I went to the mall alone Friday to get my haircut. That's when I started feeling the chest pains. I've rarely gone to the mall alone. That was a thing my mom and I always did together. Since she died I go to the mall with Josh and the girls every once in a while when we need something from the mall, which is seldom. I used to enjoy going to the mall to shop but now I usually just order stuff online or just shop at Target while I'm grocery shopping. I kind of miss going shopping at the mall with someone (and no I don't have any local girlfriends to shop with, that's a whole other issue...).
So I freaked out because I'm angry I have no one to go to the mall with anymore. Then I got upset because mom used to call me every single afternoon to ask how my day was at work. No one calls me anymore. I literally do not use any minutes on my cell phone because no one calls me, ever. Josh finally understood it when I explained to him today, while his mom died too he still has a brother and sister to talk to about family things, old stories about when he was little and so on. I have nothing. There's really no one that remembers me from when I was a baby or anyone that can tell me stories or compare me to the girls at their ages.
\
So I hope I can compose myself tomorrow enough to go to work. I've made it through the almost 2 years since my parents died, I don't need to fall apart now!
:(
ReplyDeleteThe grieving process is long and hard and weird. Don't be upset with yourself or try to push it. If you're upset, you have good reason to be. 2 years isn't that long, and you lost both of your parents very quickly. Give yourself some credit and hang in there. And then when you're ready, you should try to find something that is just for you, something where there are other women, even if not friends, to talk to. Even if it's for just 15 minutes. You need girls to talk to, and I don't mean little girls.
ReplyDelete:( I suffer from anxiety sometimes. It's horrible. It always comes one when I get depressed. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete