I realized I haven't had a post in a few days. Why? I'm having crushing anxiety that has caught me by surprise. I had some anxiety in the weeks between my parents dying back in 2010 and again when my grandma died in April. But this was sudden and I really have no clue why???
I had Monday off of work and felt like I was having chest pains all day but I knew it had to be anxiety related. Then I went to work this morning and made it 3 1/2 hours until I felt sick to my stomach and extremely anxious. I barely made it to my car in the parking garage before I had a complete meltdown crying/screaming/yelling.
Then I realized what brought it on.
I went to the mall alone Friday to get my haircut. That's when I started feeling the chest pains. I've rarely gone to the mall alone. That was a thing my mom and I always did together. Since she died I go to the mall with Josh and the girls every once in a while when we need something from the mall, which is seldom. I used to enjoy going to the mall to shop but now I usually just order stuff online or just shop at Target while I'm grocery shopping. I kind of miss going shopping at the mall with someone (and no I don't have any local girlfriends to shop with, that's a whole other issue...).
So I freaked out because I'm angry I have no one to go to the mall with anymore. Then I got upset because mom used to call me every single afternoon to ask how my day was at work. No one calls me anymore. I literally do not use any minutes on my cell phone because no one calls me, ever. Josh finally understood it when I explained to him today, while his mom died too he still has a brother and sister to talk to about family things, old stories about when he was little and so on. I have nothing. There's really no one that remembers me from when I was a baby or anyone that can tell me stories or compare me to the girls at their ages.
So I hope I can compose myself tomorrow enough to go to work. I've made it through the almost 2 years since my parents died, I don't need to fall apart now!