Thursday, August 30, 2012

1st Dance Class

Well, after 40 minutes of watching Annika's dance class I can say that she was the most wild in the class.  I was really surprised.  A class of about ten 3 and 4 year olds that all follow directions exactly as told except one, Annika.  I was actually pretty shocked at how well every single other little girl did exactly as told!  Maybe because Annika hasn't had a classroom type structure since she's always home with us?  This kind of makes me want to sign her up for preschool so she doesn't act all crazy and wild in kindergarten!

Immediately I knew we were in trouble.  The teacher asked the girls to sit on the red X's on the floor and Annika started to lay down and slide around and stand up and dance and stick her tongue out, so on and so on and so on....

The teacher kind of sucked too though.  It took 10 minutes for her to call roll.  I still don't know if she ever figured out that Annika was Annika or if she was pronouncing it right.  I was very surprised she didn't want us to introduce each child to her.  I wanted to talk to her after class because a few mothers (one woman there I was actually friends with in dental assisting school!) told me they thought Annika was too young for a class and should wait to start till next year.  Which made me sad.  I actually cried the entire drive home.  The teacher ran out of the classroom the second class was over so I didn't get a chance to ask her if she though Annika maybe wasn't ready yet.  I e-mailed the school to see if she could e-mail me back or call me.  It's easy for her to tell which one Annika was, the only red head and the only one that didn't follow a single direction!

So yeah, Annika marched to the beat of her own drum the entire class.  The class would stand on their toes and run across the room and Annika wouldn't wait her turn, instead she was running all over the place!  At the end of class they were all sitting with their legs spread stretching and Annika was laying on the floor sliding around.

I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow if they think Annika is okay to come back to class or not.  I'm a little embarrassed to bring her back because she was so WILD compared to the other little girls.  We'll see.  If she isn't able to come back I plan on taking her to another school for a tumbling class, maybe she can get some of that crazy energy out there!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Dining Room Plans

Our dining room is blah, very blah.  We have a round glass table and 4 chairs.  One chair is pushed away so that Annabel's highchair can take it's place.  There is a black book shelf for Annika's books and some black frames on the wall with some family photos, many that are very, very outdated and need to be replaced!

So we have BIG plans for our dining room!

Step 1: Get rid of everything that is currently in there.  Table, chairs (we still need the highchair), frames and bookshelf.

Step 2: Beg, plead, and pay our neighbor that Josh is friends with, and who happens to be a contractor, to help us build this:

I've already measured and it will fit perfectly in our dining room and we both love the rustic look of it.

Step 3: Collect chairs to go with table.  We're thinking that we need 6 chairs but we want to buy 6 completely different chairs in 6 different colors.  Preferably we want primary colors.  I think we'll probably end up at Ikea and some consignment or antique stores to buy them.

Step 4: New picture frames.  I know at Ikea they have a package of frames that are light wood for around 99 cents.  We haven't decided if we're going to try to stain them to match the table or paint them to go with the chairs.

Step 5: Make this:

We have a slightly different idea to use Skyy vodka bottles instead.  Josh is going to try to go to a local bar to see if we can get anyone to save some for us so that we don't have to buy vodka and drink it since neither one of us drinks liquor anymore!  I think they would be prettier in our colorful dining room.

Now we just need to get started!  We're always putting things off so I really want to get to work on this project so we can hopefully get it done by the time we have Thanksgiving at our house.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Hurricane Weekend

We had a hurricane come close to us!  Nothing horrible at all.  All we had was some rain, not even any really high winds.  Work closed our office yesterday which is going to be horrible I think.  I just know they're going to try to convince us all to come in Saturday...

Now I know in other places when people hear hurricane there is mass panic.  Not here in FL.  The majority of us do nothing at all to prepare.  I bought 2-24 bottle cases of water Friday and filled up one of our cars with gas.  Then after my aunt texted me in a panic about the hurricane "coming straight for us" I went to the dollar store and bought 2 candle lighters and 4 candles.

That's it.  Our neighbors didn't do anything at all except buy wine!

I was keeping up with what was going on with the hurricane by looking to see what my local Facebook friends were posting.  We canceled our cable so we have no local news channels to watch.  If I didn't have Facebook we wouldn't have even known there was a hurricane!  The last time we had a tropical storm come close to us I didn't even know about it until I checked my Weather Channel app on my phone to see why we were having so much rain!

Ahhh...ignorance is bliss sometimes but I guess I need to keep up with weather better.

This was the model of the storm I saw Saturday morning from one of my friends.

Then the damn thing didn't even come close!

And another friend posted this:

Yep, here in FL we think it's a joke!

So I got a free paid day off of work yesterday.  The girls and I played with bubbles and I took Annika out for a ride on her tricycle.

I can't complain, I got to hang out with this all day and I got paid still:

Friday, August 24, 2012

Birthday Party Planning, Early Edition

I plan things waaaayyyy in advance.  So I do realize that Annika won't be 3 until November but really that's just a little over 2 months away and lately time has been flying!

I think we have a theme since Annika has a new love in her life, The Lorax.  Let me tell you, Josh and I know all the words to all the songs because in the last 2 weeks we have seen that movie 5 times (and one day we watched it twice).  So far it hasn't annoyed the hell out of us (Happy Feet/Happy Feet 2) and Annika talks about the Lorax all the time.  Before we watched the movie we read the book (we've actually had the book for a while because I bought it at a Goodwill bookstore about 2 years ago) and it's always been one of Annika's favorites.

Thanks to Pinterest I have about a million different ideas!!  If you follow me on there you can see them on my "Ideas for Birthday Parties" board.  I'm actually considering having her party at our house just so I can decorate and so that we don't have to eat hot dogs, again, or have crappy weather like we have the last two years out at the park we've had the parties at.  Her first birthday we were all freezing and her second birthday it looked like it was going to rain so we had to move the party to our house anyway!

Thursday, August 23, 2012


Annika copies us all the time.  Sometimes it's cute and sometimes it's frightening!!

This was Josh and Annika last Friday grocery shopping with me.  Luckily she had pockets, I think if she didn't she would have had a fit!

Also while we were in the store Josh and Annika had to go back to get something we forgot.  They were trying to catch up with me and Annabel with the cart and I hear Annika yelling for me "momma, momma, wait!!!  Wait momma, wait for daddy and Annika!!"  She even put her hand up like I do when I say it to her!

One more week till dance class starts!!  I know I'm so much more excited than her but lately Annika has been saying "I want ballet!" so I'm really hoping she enjoys it!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What's Up?

~Ugghhh...I haven't blogged in a week!

~I have no idea why besides that I've been busy I guess.

~I finally got Josh to out on a run with me and he didn't die from it.  We did 2 miles in 20 minutes with the jogging stroller (which is difficult).  He actually felt good afterwards!  Might just make a runner out of him.

~Sunday we bought Annika her dance clothes and ballet shoes.

O...M....G...  How did my baby get to be so big???

And yes, she is my little mini-me with red hair.

~Annabel is crawling all over the place which makes making dinner or doing anything in the kitchen an obstacle course!

They're pretty cute together! 

~Oh, I know why I haven't blogged, we're just having too much fun lately to have time to sit down!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


Yesterday I signed up Annika for dance classes!!  She'll start 2 weeks from tomorrow and I'm so excited for her.

So a little background on this dance class.  She's only 2 but people are always mistaking her for 3.  I couldn't find a single dance school that offered a class for 2 years that was in the afternoon and that wasn't in a "mommy and me" format.  I can't do that since in the afternoons I'll always have Annabel too.  I went to my old dance school and couldn't believe that in the 25 years since I went there (yes, I feel old typing that) that they haven't remodeled AT ALL.  The place smelled like mold!!  The lady there said "oh so she'll be in our 3 year old class, right".  Well, yes she would be :)  but I didn't like that the school was so old and it's $60 a month.  I drove to a school that is a bit closer to us and in a nicer area and only $40 a month and signed her up there. The catch, I told them she's 3, I changed her birthday from 11-7-9 to 7-7-9.  Yes, I lied to get my child into dance!!  But I know she can handle it and she's ready to interact with other kids!

I just ordered her leotard, tights and ballet shoes.  I'm so excited for her to start dance and I hope she loves it!  Plus it'll be nice for Annabel and me to have 40 minutes of momma-baby time while Annika is dancing once a week :)

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I realized I haven't had a post in a few days.  Why?  I'm having crushing anxiety that has caught me by surprise.  I had some anxiety in the weeks between my parents dying back in 2010 and again when my grandma died in April.  But this was sudden and I really have no clue why???

I had Monday off of work and felt like I was having chest pains all day but I knew it had to be anxiety related.  Then I went to work this morning and made it 3 1/2 hours until I felt sick to my stomach and extremely anxious.  I barely made it to my car in the parking garage before I had a complete meltdown crying/screaming/yelling.

Then I realized what brought it on.

I went to the mall alone Friday to get my haircut.  That's when I started feeling the chest pains.  I've rarely gone to the mall alone.  That was a thing my mom and I always did together.  Since she died I go to the mall with Josh and the girls every once in a while when we need something from the mall, which is seldom.  I used to enjoy going to the mall to shop but now I usually just order stuff online or just shop at Target while I'm grocery shopping.  I kind of miss going shopping at the mall with someone (and no I don't have any local girlfriends to shop with, that's a whole other issue...).

So I freaked out because I'm angry I have no one to go to the mall with anymore. Then I got upset because mom used to call me every single afternoon to ask how my day was at work.  No one calls me anymore.  I literally do not use any minutes on my cell phone because no one calls me, ever.  Josh finally understood it when I explained to him today, while his mom died too he still has a brother and sister to talk to about family things, old stories about when he was little and so on.  I have nothing.  There's really no one that remembers me from when I was a baby or anyone that can tell me stories or compare me to the girls at their ages.
So I hope I can compose myself tomorrow enough to go to work.  I've made it through the almost 2 years since my parents died, I don't need to fall apart now!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

We Have a Crawler!

She started out on that carpet in the background and 30 seconds later she was at my lunch bag!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Selling Baby Clothes

Yep it's official (well it has been for a while) there are no more babies coming into this house!

So it's time to sell baby clothes and crap!!

I'm signing up to consign all our baby clothes and equipment we don't need anymore with this place.  I've never sold anything through them before but I have been to one of their sales when Annika was a baby. I bought a ton of clothes for about $20.

What you do is hang all your clothes on hangings, tag them, enter them into their database and then bring them into the store they rent out for the sale.  Pretty much it's a huge children's yard sale but without the hassle of me having to deal with people wanting to pay me five cents for my Gymboree and Children's Place clothes.

The biggest issue I think I'll have is that the sale runs from Monday-Friday.  I have to bring in all my stuff I'm selling during the day on Monday (I think) and put the sales stickers on everything.  Totally not catering to the working mother!  I'm going to have to either leave work early that day or call in sick just to participate!  I really want to do it though to sell some of the nicer things I have (I gave away a lot of stuff to a friend that is having a girl already and some of my stuff just needs to be donated after having both girls wear it).  I also might try to sell the toddler bed I can't seem to sell on Craigslist and the Sit N Stand stroller I have that also isn't selling!

I refuse to look at clothes for the girls though.  Annabel has enough and Annika is good until size 4.  Plus my family seems to have much better taste in clothing for the girls than even me so I hope they just continue to buy them cute things! :-)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

What Do Babies with No Teeth Eat??

I think Annabel is hungry for real food.  She'll be 8 months old in just 2 weeks!!  How is this even possible?

At 8 months old Annika was working on growing molars already.  Annabel is totally toothless!  There's not even a bump or sign that a tooth is coming besides some slobbering that has been going on for months.

So what do I feed this child??

This is what her schedule looks like now:

8am: 10 ounce bottle of formula
1pm: 1 jar of baby food-it's an oatmeal/fruit mix and a 6 ounce bottle
5pm: 1 jar of baby food-veggie and a 6 ounce bottle
6pm: yogurt-Annabel added this in yesterday because after finishing off her 5pm meal she was still hungry
7:30pm: 1 jar of baby food-fruit mixed with oatmeal and another 6 ounce bottle

I'm not sure what else to feed her!  She's eating all stage 2 baby foods.  I tried to feed her those little puffs that dissolve in your mouth but even when I cut the tiny little piece in half she still acted like she was choking. She watches us eat all the time and I feel bad that she can't have any of it since she has no teeth!

Plus I tried giving her a little water after her yogurt yesterday to help wash it down and she refused it.  She's never had plain water before.  I also can't get her to drink from a sippy cup, even the ones with the squishy spouts like I used with Annika.

I can't believe how different these girls are!!  I know by 8 months old I was packing Annika a lunch for daycare that included a sandwich and real pieces of fruit along with sippy cups!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Essay Contest--My Entry

For the 2nd year in a row I'm entering an essay for Glamour magazine's Real Life Essay Contest.

My story is about the 7 weeks in between my parents' deaths.

Last year I entered the contest and considered sharing my essay on my blog but decided not to because at the time I really wanted that $5,000 and the chance to be in a magazine!  I was afraid if I showed people what I wrote that they would try to enter to beat me! I love writing and I'd love for someone to take notice and possibly offer me a job writing....dream!!  (I'm actually planning on sharing more of my writings, especially my poems on here soon.)

But this year I kind of figure I won't win, again, so here it goes, my essay that I entered.

This is the picture I talk about in the beginning if you want a visual:

There’s a picture of me and my daughter that my husband took of us together on October 16th, 2010.  We went to a park together to sit and watch the sailboats pass by.  My daughter is 11 months old at the time and she has a huge smile and the cutest chubby cheeks.  In that picture we don’t have a care in the world.  On October 16th at that moment life was normal.

At 8pm that night one phone call changed my life forever.  My mom called me which wasn’t unusual she called me every single day.  But it was later than she normally called so I thought it was strange.  Her voice was calm as she explained that dad had come home from work and fell in the kitchen.  Since she couldn’t help him to stand up she ran to the neighbor’s house and the neighbor decided to call 911.  The ambulance was there when she called but she was scared to ride in it so she wanted me to come and drive her to the hospital to see dad.

I rushed out of our apartment with pajamas on and freshly showered wet hair.  I had just put the baby to bed and was planning on going to sleep soon too.  No matter how fast I drove or which route I took it was always 20 minutes to my parents’ house.  I pulled in the driveway and the neighbor came running to me.

“I think he had a seizure or a stroke.  Your poor mom is a mess.  She can’t even understand what’s happening.”

I told her mom only said he fell.  I thought maybe he broke his leg or hurt his back again.

“No honey, he wouldn’t respond.  He was out of it.  I think he may have drunk too much.  Do you think he’s been drinking again?”

Mom came out of the house and got into the car.  Never once did she mention that he was unconscious when the ambulance took him.  I’m not sure if it was denial or that she really didn’t understand.  My mom has schizophrenia and is bipolar.  With years and years of taking medications for her illness she doesn’t understand or comprehend like everyone else.  This was just too much to handle.  It was like her emotions had shut off.

In the emergency room dad was having EKGs and CT scans and countless other tests.  I went over his health history with the nurses who asked if he was able to take care of himself or speak prior to arriving.  I explained that he was a normal functioning person who woke up every morning, worked, drove, took care of pets, he was normal.  They looked at me like I was lying.  I just saw him last weekend when he came over with my mom to visit.  He was normal then.  Nothing was wrong.

I drove mom home since there was no point in staying.  I cried on my way home.  She didn’t understand what was going on.  I couldn’t leave her to live alone in that house for too long.  My mom wouldn’t be able to handle caring for herself, the dogs, the pig, and the cats without someone else there to help.  She never learned how to drive, how would she do anything without me there? 

The next morning mom called to say that dad had a room in ICU.  She wanted to take him some shampoo, deodorant, shoes and clothes for when he was ready to go home.  I stopped on the way to pick her up and bought us each an iced green tea and a cinnamon crunch bagel.  We sat in the dining room together and ate.  We talked about going to my dad’s job to let them know he would need the week off for medical leave.  Maybe even longer depending on his diagnosis.  I told mom it would be fine because I knew he never used any sick days and he kept saving them up, he had weeks of pay coming to him so bills could still be paid.  No one had to worry about a thing. 

When it was time to go to the hospital I yelled at mom for wearing her shirt inside out without even noticing.  She got mad and refused to turn it right side out.  She carried out a plastic shopping bag with my dad’s things and we left.  Her shirt was dark blue.

The ICU ended up being on the far side of the hospital from where I parked.  We had to walk and mom complained that her back hurt so I carried the bag for dad.  She said she hoped that dad was coming home soon or she’d need someone to drive her to the grocery store and that she’d have to figure out the bus routes so I wouldn’t have to drive up everyday to visit. 

At the ICU the nurse explained that dad was going thru alcohol withdrawls since he was a severe alcoholic from what they could tell.  Mom said over and over again that he didn’t drink.  He just didn’t.  He used to but he wasn’t now.  I knew the truth.  He was drinking.  He would hide it in a red plastic cup.  The bottle of vodka was in his truck under the driver’s seat just like it was in 2001 when he drank too much and hit a semi-truck.  Mom didn’t know, she wouldn’t have, she didn’t notice things like that. 

The nurses asked that mom signed a document taking over control of dad’s medical decisions.  She refused and I had to sign it instead.  She didn’t want the responsibility.  Mom thought that I’d be a better person to decide on what he should and shouldn’t have done.

Dad was sedated that day.  He didn’t know we were there.  They had him on a ventilator but said there were no signs of a stroke or seizure.  It would be days before they could allow the sedation to be lowered because he was having DTs from the withdrawals from the alcohol.  He couldn’t walk and he couldn’t eat.  His body was weak they told us, like he was malnourished.  Mom didn’t notice because she just never noticed things like that.

On the way home mom kept saying that dad didn’t drink.  I kept telling her he did.  He was always drunk.  He smelled of vodka when he’d come over to visit but I’d ignore it.  I didn’t want to embarrass him or make a scene. When we got to the house I unlocked his 4-runner, reached under the seat and showed her the half empty bottle of vodka.  She was mad that he had done this to her.  How could he have done this all to her?  I then left and told her I’d be back tomorrow so we could go visit again.

On the way home I cried again.  What would we do now?

Two hours later I got a phone call from my mom’s cell.  A man’s voice starts to talk and I look at the caller ID again to see “mom’s cell”.  He explains that he’s an emergency medical technician.  He asks if I am Christina and if my mother is Alicia.  I tell him yes to both.  He then says the sentence that haunts me still “I’m sorry but your mother has passed away”.  I remember at that moment I was looking out the sliding glass door at the pond behind our apartment, the pond my dad used to joke around and call “Coconut Bay”.  My daughter was next to me playing in her pack and play smiling.  I froze.  He told me they couldn’t touch her or move her until I arrived on the scene.  He wanted to confirm that I lived in the area since that was what the neighbor told him.  I told him I was 20 minutes away but my husband had my car and I’d be there as soon as possible.

I called my husband and screamed to him “my mom is dead”.  Nothing more than that. He was in the middle of a round of golf and he dropped everything to race home to get me my car.

I drove to my parents’ house and it took me 20 minutes.  During my drive a police officer called me from my mom’s cell and my heart dropped.  I hoped to hear her voice but didn’t.  They wanted to know if I was on my way because the dogs were running lose in the street and no one could catch them.  My mom’s dog was protecting my mom, not allowing anyone near her.  That poor dog watched her die.  He was the one with her when it happened.

I refused to see her.  When I arrived she was in the front yard covered in a sheet.  I stayed in the neighbor’s house while my aunt and husband went to see her and when the coroner loaded her into the van.  I requested her jewelry and they handed it to me in an envelope.  It’s still in that same envelope now. 

The autopsy showed no signs of foul play, just some “fuzzy” kidneys and mild heart disease.  We would have to wait nearly 3 months for toxicology results.  The police searched the house and counted all her medications.  Nothing extra was taken and all pills were accounted for.

The next week dad remained sedated in ICU.  That Sunday, one week from the date mom died, he woke up while my husband and I were visiting.

“Where is she?” he asked looking around the room.  I’m sure he assumed she was in a mental hospital again or at home mad at him.

“She died last week,” I answered.  I explained that it looked like she had ran out the front door when she realized something was happening to her and tried to go to the neighbor’s house.  She must have passed out in the front yard.

“That’s how it happens.  People are here one day and gone the next,” he said very simply while a single tear rolled down his cheek  His wife of 31 years who he endured countless mental hospital admissions, mental breakdowns and one stint in jail  had died while he laid in a hospital.  He didn’t even know he had been there a week. 

The next 6 weeks were a roller coaster ride that I wanted off of.  My dad went from ICU to progressive ICU then back to ICU then back to progressive ICU.  Meanwhile I was juggling a full time job, my daughter, my husband, my life, my parents’ house, bills, pets, mess and signing releases at the hospital for the use of the ventilator and feeding tubes.  I was dealing with people telling me they knew exactly how I felt (they didn’t) asking me if I needed help (I refused), telling me everything would be okay (I doubted it) or avoiding me completely (who knows what to say to the girl with the dead mother and sick father?).

I spent 2 weeks cleaning out my parents’ house of all my mother’s belongings.  It took 20 trash bags to get rid of all her clothes.  She was a hoarder.  No one cleaned.  There were roaches and poop and pee all over.  I found a home for the pot bellied pig, I called animal services on two dogs and two cats.  I found a home for another dog.  I sat in the house and cried a lot.  This was the house I grew up in and no one would live it in again.  This house needed to be condemned.  Once the pets had homes I removed some pictures, locked the door and never went back.

On his sixth week in the hospital dad’s feeding tube to his stomach got infected and had to be removed.  He was unable to swallow because of damage to his esophagus from drinking.  He had sores on his feet from lying in bed for so long, he hadn’t walked in 6 weeks and he had lost a lot of weight.  This wasn’t my dad anymore.  This was not the man that joked all the time and called our pond “Coconut Bay” or the man that would call me panicked that he couldn’t pay the mortgage and that he couldn’t tell mom. 

This was the end and the nurses told me I needed to come in and see him.  My husband and I drove our daughter to daycare that morning and went to be with him.  They had him sedated and behind us a group of nursing students came by and went over dad’s history.

“58 year old, white male, severe alcoholic, diabetic, blah, blah blah.  His daughter has control over all medical decisions.  Since her mother died on day one of admission we haven’t pressured her to make too many decisions at this time.  It just isn’t fair to for all of this to happen to someone so young.”  I was wearing a plastic gown, mask and gloves when they were behind me.  Dad had MRSA so that’s what we wore to visit him.  I turned to the group with tears in my eye.  This was my dad and I am a real person here dealing with this all.

A quite hush went over the group of students and one ran away crying.  I was that girl.  I was the girl that made all the ICU nurses and students stop and stare.  I was the one with the sick dad and the dead mom.  I was the one that would answer their phones and explain my unbelievable story of how my mom died while my dad was in the hospital.  No one believed my story but here I was living it everyday.

Dad snapped out of it on Thursday of that week, enough so that they wanted to try a feeding tube again.  I went in to sign the release and he was the most coherent he had been in the last 6 ½ weeks.  He wanted to know how my work was, how my husband was, how his only grandchild was.  I showed him a picture on my cell phone of her and he said “she looks just like me”.  Yes, she does, like a red headed female version of my dad.  He wanted to know if knew what mom died from, we didn’t.  He wanted to know where each pet had gone and if he had money in his bank account and if I had his debit card with the PIN so I could withdrawal money out to pay for gas.  He told me to take all his money out and to stop paying his bills.  I told him I loved him and left when they wheeled him to the operating room to re-do his feeding tube.  He told me the feeding tube wouldn’t help.  I told him to shut up.

There were nights during these weeks that I would pray to God, not to help my dad, but to let him die.  He was a strong man, a proud man.  He would not want to be lying in bed in a hospital weak and helpless.  He wouldn’t have wanted it at all.  I had to realize that he wouldn’t have wanted any of it at all.

The stress for me was unbearable.  In the time my dad was in the hospital my daughter was sick twice and couldn’t go to daycare.  My husband was laid off from work the week before Thanksgiving.  We had our daughter’s first birthday party with family and friends but not her grandparents.  I ran my first half marathon that I had been training for.  Our daughter had her first Halloween and we ate Thanksgiving dinner with a co-worker and her family instead of the usual meal with my parents.  The stress was unbearable but life goes on.  I had to keep our life going on.  The doctor prescribed me Xanax but I never took them.  The bottle stayed in my purse but I couldn’t make myself take one because I didn’t want to be like mom, always taking medications.  I never took a pill.

So there I lay in bed crying praying for God to stop it all.  Dad wasn’t ever coming home.  I didn’t want him to and I knew he was too weak.  I just wanted him to let go and die.

Two days later a nurse called and asked if they could make him DNR (do not resituate).  He was weak and his feeding tube didn’t end up working.  It didn’t help.  I told her yes.  He was right and now I was going to do what he would have wanted.

An hour later she called again to tell me to come and say good-bye.  I drove to the hospital alone since my husband had to watch our baby since it was Saturday.  We had no one to watch her.  Dad had a machine that was pushing air in and out of his mouth.  I refused to wear the plastic gown, gloves and mask like I did during every other visit. I told him to go and be with mom.  I didn’t need him here like this, suffering, I told him to just let go and be with her.  She always needed him more than I did.  He needed to take care of her.  I laid in the bed with him and hit him on the chest.  I screamed for him to just go because I knew he wanted to go!  I knew he didn’t want to live without mom. I waited a while and then left.  I knew what was going on.  He refused to die in front of me.  He wouldn’t have wanted me to see his final breath.

About 30 minutes after I arrived home I got a phone call from the doctor saying they did everything they could do.  He died December 4th; 7 weeks after it all began.

I had put off a funeral for my mom for the 7 weeks.  We were all waiting for dad.  No one knew that we’d actually be having a joint funeral service for the two of them.  Over 50 people attended, some who I had never met.  The service was short, how they would have wanted it.  I created a slideshow of memories of the both of them and we all cried. All of us were there to say good-bye to a couple that never had life easy.  Mom struggled in and out of mental hospitals my whole life.  Dad struggled with alcohol and finances.  Their house was in foreclosure, they had no money, no savings, they had given up and now they were gone.

People ask me how I dealt with it all.  My mom’s death was a shock, it was sudden and with dad in the hospital I never had time to process it.  When dad died it was a relief to know that mom wasn’t left behind.  She wouldn’t have been able to live without him for those 7 weeks or ever. I had to be honest, I spent most of my life taking care of them and now they were gone, just like that.  One day they were here and the next they were gone, just like dad had said.

There are other times were I’m mad.  I’m angry.  I cry. They only got 11 months with their precious granddaughter and they loved her so much.  She’ll never remember them.  She won’t remember them playing with her or her laughing at them when they talked to her.  She won’t remember my mom bringing over tons of new clothes for her or dad taking hundreds of pictures of her.  It makes me mad that they’re gone.  It makes me mad that my daughter has no grandparents.

A wave of peace sometimes comes over me in moments where I get mad about it all.  I have to keep remembering that they’re together.  All the stress and drama of those 7 weeks is gone.  They were together 31 years and now they’d be together forever.

On December 30th we received the toxicology results that mom died of sepsis from a chronic kidney and bladder infection. 

I have my parents’ ashes in our guest bedroom closet in their boxes, unopened and untouched.  I refuse to do anything with them.  Someday I might put myself together enough to decide what to do with them, for now they sit together.  I’m not able to let go.

When I see that picture of me and my daughter from October 16th I remember a time where everything was normal and our new life without the ones we loved.  

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


Annika has a new thing with grabbing the sides of our face with her hands and getting right in our faces to tell us something.  She clearly wants to be sure we hear her (and smell her breath!).

Yesterday Annika grabbed my cheeks right after I changed Annabel's diaper so I was sitting on the floor at her level.  She comes in real close and says as loud as her little voice can, "MOMMA DO YOU WANT A PICKLE???  DO YOU?  I WANT A PICKLE, DO YOUUUUUUUU WANT A PICKLE TOO MOMMA, HUH?  DO YOU?"

And then I went deaf for a few seconds.

Then I laughed so hard I almost peed myself.

We have no pickles. I don't eat pickles. I assume this was something that Josh says to Annika because the two of them managed to eat an entire jar of pickle spears together over the past few days.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Our First Family Picture!

I knew it would be impossible to get a good picture of the four of us together but here is our first ever attempt!  Too bad Annabel looks kind of sleepy/drunk.

And here are the girls together and they aren't crying!!  Annika does look like she might be in a bit of pain though!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Food Pyramid For Babies

It's sad that this seems about right for Annabel!  Well, not so much the sock lint, we're in FL, I don't wear socks unless I'm out running but the dog hair is totally true.  I like to believe that rolling around on a floor with dog hair helps build a strong immune system!

**If you have a blog and read my blog please let me know below in the comments especially if I've never commented on a post!  I love adding new blogs to read to my Reader!**

Saturday, August 4, 2012

7 Things You Didn't Know About Me

I did this on my old blog and thought it was kind of funny!

Seven things I bet you didn't know about me:

1.) I'm hairy. No really, super hairy. I desperately need to save up money for laser hair removal because buying all of these shavers and wax strips will bankrupt me eventually. I pluck my freaking eyebrows every single day.

2.) It's actually embarrassing to say that I don't speak any Spanish because both of my parents spoke it all the time. I do understand about 90% of conversation I hear but for some reason I can't make it click in my head to come up with the words on my own and speak it back. I always amaze Josh when someone is talking to me or around me in Spanish and I answer them back.

3.) I had the same cat from the time I was 5 years old till I was 21, Sassy. After she died I vowed to never own another cat and I haven't. One main reason is that I HATE litter boxes. I don't care how often you clean it your house still smells like cat pee pee to me.

4.) I always knew I'd have a red headed baby. I always used to have dreams about having a red headed little girl and now I have two!! Except in my dreams her name was Mona (like Mona Lisa, thank goodness we picked out Annika and Annabel instead, much cuter name).

5.) I dislocated my shoulder in a car accident 2003. My best friend was driving (yes, she's still my best friend now) and she ran a traffic light and we got hit on my side. I walked around for 2 days unable to move my arm till I went to a chiropractor that walked up to me and snapped it in place without warning. Stupid shoulder still hurts from time to time now.

6.) I have only lived in 4 different places. A duplex with my parents from birth till 4 years old, my parents' house from 4 years old till 22, Josh's and my 1 bedroom apartment, our 2 bedroom apartment, and now our townhouse. And only two different cities, Bradenton and Sarasota (right next to each other).  

7.) In middle school my friends and I made up a "zodiac club". We were all different zodiac signs and we wanted to be witches. We watched "The Craft" a billion times and used to try to cast spells.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Things We Are Loving

Annika's current favorite 3 books, we read these 3 every night.

Annabel!  Look at this baby standing at 7 months old!  Annika was over 10 months when she did this!

YoBaby yogurt in banana!  Annika ate this when she was a baby and about a year ago decided she hated yogurt.  Now that Annabel eats it, of course, Annika has to eat it too.  I just wish I could find a sugar-free whole milk yogurt for Annabel though.  Any ideas?

My iPhone!  I love the white one I picked and it does so many cool things, plus it takes way better pictures than my old phone!

Our car that is just the perfect size for us!  We've done 2 weekend trips in it and 1 trip to the beach.  It's so nice to have more room and 4 doors!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Chicken Debate

I think almost everyone on my Facebook has taken some sort of stand on the whole Chick-fil-a thing.

First of all, they are closed on Sundays, they obey the Sabbath, they are clearly Christian and then everyone acts surprised that the chain doesn't support gay marriage.

Really people??  Of course they don't support gay marriage!  While I do know some Christians that do support it this company happens not to.  No big deal.  Not a big reason to stop eating there.

But I do have a HUGE reason to stop eating there.  The article that stopped us from eating there all together.

I came across a blog called Food Babe and saw a story she did last year about the Chick-fil-a chicken sandwich having over 100 ingredients!   Then I read a story about an investigation she did on Chick-fil-a recently for (another great blog if you are trying to clean up your diet!).  That article made me realize all the chemicals were were putting into our bodies every time we ate there!  Also made me realize why Annika is such a hyper monster after we eat the nuggets from there!  I don't even understand why they are so many ingredients in any of their foods!!  I know if we were to make homemade chicken nuggets we would use chicken, bread crumbs, seasonings, egg and then oil if we were to fry them but usually I just bake chicken.

So while I could care less if someone is for or against gay marriage, especially a company, think about the health consequences of eating there instead.  Your health is way more important!

**A little disclaimer, I do not get political on this blog (did on my old one and lost a ton of readers) but I will say that I honestly do not care if gay people are allowed to get married.  If they love each other let them do it.  While I have no interest in marrying a woman (clearly!) I don't feel it's my right to tell someone else they can't marry the person they honestly love.  The end.**

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

It's August??!!

~How is it August already??  People I only have 4 months to plan Annika's 3rd birthday party!!  Annabel will be 1 in less than 5 months which means Christmas is coming that soon too????  Uggghhh....time is going by too fast!  I just realized I have Halloween before that too and no ideas for costumes yet!!

~Annika has told me a few times that she "no yike my bed".  She's sleeping fine in it so I think the issue is that we haven't sold her toddler bed yet and it's in Annabel's room.  For some reason she thinks she should be sleeping in there with Annabel.  She told me twice yesterday afternoon "I sleep with babys in my bed".

~I've discovered Instagram on my new phone!  Are there any other apps for iPhones that I need to get?

Annabel looks even sweeter with Instagram! :-)  Josh says she looks upset.

Annika was teaching Annabel how to draw an "A".  She said, "look babys, draw a A yike dis".  Afterwards Annabel grabbed the piece of paper out of the notebook, ripped it to pieces and tried to eat it..

~Josh and I started our training for Tough Mudder. It seems to me like I do a workout with him Friday evening or Saturday and  then he's done for the entire weekend!  He about dies when we do squats or any other leg exercises so we're really focusing on that for him.  Arm exercises hurt me the most so we're doing a lot of those for me too.  I'm also going for runs still, by myself on the weekend and with the girls in the stroller during the week.  I just feel like we need to pick up the weekend workouts some, once a weekend isn't going to be enough!

~Looking forward to having some of my family come over for a visit Sunday afternoon!  I like that we're getting together more and more.